The title of this article is a misnomer. It would be impossible for one person to speak for all women--especially a person who's never quit the sport for good, but keeps coming back around like a proverbial prodigal daughter. And as I've learned in many debates, both offline and online, it's often difficult to pinpoint specific reasons for doing or feeling anything and assume that it’s the same for others, let alone an entire gender. There's really no way I can prove that anything I personally see as an issue applies to anyone else, nor can I pretend to speak on behalf of all women. But I've never been good at following rules, so I'm going to take a stab at it anyway. Luckily, this is a great segue to the first reason in the list.

1. All views are my own

Being accountable for what we say is one thing, and most of us are aware that our employers or clients could, at least theoretically, take issue with something we say on social media. But being told that everything we say represents our academy--a place we're paying to train at, rather than the place that signs your paycheck... that seems rather unfair.

Constantly worrying about whether something will get back to someone is exhausting. This is something I've often worried about as a writer, maybe more so than people who frequent forums. What if I start training at an academy but criticize a loosely affiliated fighter for not making weight? Do I have to worry about consequences?

It's commendable for gyms to want to protect their reputations, and maintain a certain image for their academy. In my opinion, though, students shouldn’t feel restricted to share their thoughts due to fear of repercussions. Instead, post anonymously on forums using fake names, make very vague comments in public, or fill their posts with long disclaimers. ("My comments are based on my years of on-and-off training at seven gyms, and these probably aren't about the ones you know of. No, really. It's true.") Others outright lie about their academies, or repeat unsubstantiated rumors about other schools. This tribalistic behavior does little to build a healthy community and culture.

2. I just started training... am I allowed to speak?

There's this weird thing at some academies where you're not really allowed to talk about your own experience until you've achieved a certain rank. I don't get it. I mean, I could play a simple game of hacky sack or Ultimate Frisbee, and nobody will tell me I'm not skilled enough to discuss my experience...even if everything I'm saying is patently false. But for some reason, the BJJ gym’s hierarchy sometimes seems to extent outside of its boundaries. It's a damn shame. Maybe a white belt has some good information to share about a shoulder mobility drill, but doesn’t share this helpful information because they feel like they shouldn’t be giving advice as a white belt.

It’s a good idea to create training environments where everyone is treated fairly. This can mean switching partners more often so nobody feels “stuck” with someone else, teaching people how to benefit from working with people of different sizes or at different levels, or even just keeping the lines of communication open by being approachable and open to suggestions--or even asking students for their opinions without getting defensive. A woman training for a tournament may not mind being repartnered with women as much as someone training for self-defense purposes, for example--something that a coach would never be aware of without discussing people’s goals with them….

3. There's something about rank...

I don't think it's all that radical to say that rank is not an exact science. We all know people who we believe are underranked or overranked. Of course,this is all at the coach's discretion, and not anyone else's place to judge...though coaches do judge all the time. "That gym gives away belts like candy!" or "That gym is full of sandbaggers!" are both comments I've heard coaches and high-level students profess in at least a dozen gyms. If nothing else, this just demonstrates that rank works differently in different gyms, since there's no governing body to set common standards by which to assess students at various academies.

I've always thought that rank in general is a strange beast, because it typically doesn't exist in combat sports. And when you take it to competition, it becomes even more absurd. Like when someone tells you that they're a world champion as a white belt or blue belt. I don't mean to take away from that accomplishment, which is probably more than I could ever achieve given my skill and competition history, but it's an odd thing to say. Nobody ever says "I'm an Olympic gold medalist as a beginner." What if a white belt world champ is really just... a blue belt?

4. The constant need to prove yourself

After years of on-again, off-again training in multiple gyms across several states, I got my blue belt at an amazing gym in Minneapolis, one of my favorite places that I've ever trained and definitely the most rigorous. The vibe was great and the gym had a solid curriculum and good affiliation. When I moved to the Phoenix area and was visiting gyms for the first time, one instructor asked me if I'd ever rolled before. I guess rank really doesn't mean anything! (I jest.) Then there are the students who want to avenge "losses" that occurred during training. Someone takes time off because life gets in the way and they're circling like sharks, waiting to see if there are any weaknesses to take advantage of so they’ll have something to brag about in the locker room.

As I mentioned in the intro, I can't speak for all women, but I do think being out of shape may be particularly difficult for a woman coming back into the gym or even starting for the first time. It can feel like you're (poorly) representing women as a whole, which is a lot of pressure if you're the only gal in the gym. If there are other women there who are in tremendous shape, they’re not always all that understanding.

5. You're constantly getting re-partnered

BJJ gyms that have women's only classes are always trying to funnel women to them for some reason. I always joke that I don't need a women's only class because I get repartnered with women all the time anyway. Sometimes it makes sense, when you're getting paired (or re-paired) up with someone close to your height and weight. And sometimes it doesn't.

Case in point: I spent 6 months getting partnered with a 300+ lb. woman. She was also a rugby player and very strong. I don't know if she got anything out of squishing me every round, and I certainly was unable to drill most techniques with her. Probably it would've made more sense to pair me with the 165-lb. guy, but hey, what did we know? We were both white belts. (My coach at the time said he didn't want to "waste two blue belts" by partnering them with us. Kind of hard to feel comfortable in a gym where you're basically being told you'd be
It's not the injuries that bother me, though, as much as the people that think you're crazy when you listen to your physical therapist and take time off. They want to tell you their war stories about when they broke their finger and could see the bone sticking out but wrapped it up in a towel and kept training anyway, day after day and month after month. (And their finger has never been the same since. Imagine that.)

I'm all for sucking it up if someone feels it's necessary--but an actual self-defense scenario may be a better reason than not wanting to miss a day of class. I'm not okay with people feeling pressured to train when they're legitimately injured, especially since it's very hard to predict or control the grappling environment. We're all adults and should be allowed to make our own decisions.

6. The pesky injuries--and being told to work through them

I’ve been lucky that I haven't had too many BJJ injuries. They've included a shifted patella, a really bad bone bruise, a cut in my eyelid sustained during a tournament, all sorts of arm and elbow issues due to hyperextensions, and some fingers that are permanently jammed. This is, of course, in addition to missing toenails, black eyes, and polka dot bruises. Others have fared much worse, and I don’t even want to go into the surgeries my teammates have needed over the years, let alone to the people who have had to hang it up and switch sports.

While beginner students' technique may not be well developed as advanced students, I see no reason why they cannot share ideas publicly. The listener can decide whether or not to entertain the novices' views.

It’s also worth noting that expecting beginner students to address concerns in private can be problematic, because you’re basically asking them to respond to public concerns in private--in a vacuum where they have no public voice with which to respond to public acts.

7. Gym drama

A friend of mine always jokes that combat sports have so much drama, it's surprising there aren't more women involved. It's funny because it's true. Whether people's personal lives spill over into class (so many love triangles), there's some kind of weird gym split with someone stealing students or being accused of stealing students, or gyms hate each other because of competition, the level of drama sometimes makes students feel like they’re always walking on eggshells.


I trained at one gym where people would randomly unfriend or block students on Facebook in groups--but then be sticky sweet to those same people to their face. And every gym I've ever been at has had some sort of issues pop up which are often dealt with successfully but more often resemble middle school popularity contests at best and middle school bullying at worse.

Often it's easier to just show up in a gi and avoid the locker room banter, but drama can sometimes reel you in like a fishhook. It’s easier to keep it out of the gym if the attempt is top down. Training should be as interesting as... you know, whatever else is going on.

8. My God can beat up your God

One of my favorite BJJ players to watch is Robson Moura, and the other is Marcelo Garcia, of course...but OMG, what if I'm training at a gym that's not affiliated with one of them? What if I happen to have friends at the rival academy everyone hates?

Some gyms really take this to an extreme. I once had an instructor freak the f* out when I tried to give him an extra Stephen Kesting poster I got with an order. The problem with the poster? It wasn't affiliated with his Academy. This same gym also asked people not to watch technique videos online. I can see how it might be annoying if people learned bad technique from videos, but charging people money to limit their freedom is an odd idea. And constant propaganda about how your academy is the BEST place to train with the BEST instructors who are the BEST in the world is frankly a little disrespectful to other academies which are often extremely similar to one another.

9. Do I look fat in this gi?

I don't think anyone will ever look cool in a gi, even if they spend tons of money collecting Shoyoroll's finest kimonos. I mean, you’re basically putting on jammies, getting super sweaty, your hair gets rolled up in knots (or at least mine does), you're sweaty, and you smell. Comfort, I get, but why try to look super kewl doing it?

I've always avoided the $75-$150 rash guards in favor of the cheapo Under Armour options bought with gift certificates to Sports Authority people get me, but apparently you need to have scorpions or an octopus or pandas, or something, to keep up with the times.

Finding a stylish gi can be quite a predicament, so it's always seemed odd to me that people need a dozen or more of them. It’s cool with me if people want to spend two months’ rent to make a fashion statement. Still, wearing a plain black rashguard and only having two to three gis makes me feel so out of place… I’m happy armlocking people in plain, ugly pajamas -- or whatever colorful varieties I find on sale on daily deal sites. (That’s where I got my $99 pink gi. If you want to hear some strong opinions from female BJJ players, ask them about pink gis.)

I don’t know anyone who has actually quit because they don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on name brand gis and rashguards, but I do hear a lot of hemming and hawing about it.

10. People who suck

There's such a wide range of people who suck. There are inappropriate people (the BJJ black belt who pretended he was showing guard passes by playing touchy-feely at a seminar people paid good money for), rude people (like the guys who try to coach people who are ranked higher than them, or pretend they're teaching as soon as an opponent almost gets a sweep or sub), gross people (some women can ignore the constant slew of crass jokes better than others, but I'm pretty sure the majority are disinterested at best even if they pretend otherwise), egotistical people (like another BJJ black belt who spent the majority of a seminar giving strange pseudo-motivational speeches and yelling at people for 'not trying' rather than coaching), and then all-out evil people (we've all heard of one or more gyms where women have been assaulted by their male training partners). Then there are people who are trying to be polite, but are inappropriate or creepy. There are people who forget they're training and try to legit hurt their training partners. There are the ones who just try not to make eye contact and let you sit in the corner. There are women who try to run out new women because they want to be the only girl in the gym.

This is where I'm supposed to offer a disclaimer and delve into all the positive aspects of BJJ, but honestly, I think there are a lot of other people doing that already. And of course there are gyms where the pros FAR outweigh the cons. I've trained at some of these, too. But lest instructors feel utterly confused when people (often women) leave left and right, one of the aforementioned reasons may well be the culprit.

There are many reasons people quit jiu-jitsu, from cost to training injuries to other priorities. Of course, there are those who stick around in spite of it all. But if the list above was a big chunk of your experience with the sport, would you?