Many of you are married, right? Yes, no? If you’re not married, you’re probably in a long-term relationship. Yes, no? Okay, if you’re not in a relationship right now, you’ve been in one before. Yes, no? (If the answer to all of these questions is no, don’t worry. You’ll still get value from this article.)

For those of you who answered “yes” to any of them, I’ve got a couple of other questions for you. Think about your spouse or significant other. Okay, got it? Now, do you ever get pissed off at that person? Do they ever do things that irritate you, and possibly even lead to a squabble? I’m 100 percent sure the answer to this question is “yes” because I’ve been around the block with relationships and I think it’s just a natural fact that people are occasionally going to get mad at each other when they’re closely connected for a long period of time. Even if they’re both good people and they love each other, it’ll happen. I’ve written about this idea before when I wanted to link it to something weightlifting-related.

And that’s what I’m going to do here. As some of you know, I spent 12 years in Washington training and competing with the Calpian weightlifting club. I’ve written a lot about it in the past, especially in my book Bones of Iron. Those were the best years of my career, and it was an amazingly successful time period for the Calpian club and our coach, John Thrush. We were close-knit, loyal to our team, and unified in our weightlifting mission. It was a family.

But I can definitely tell you that it wasn’t 12 uninterrupted years of blissful harmony, with all of us perpetually dancing around like happy little unicorns in a meadow. There were times when a lot of us were pretty disgruntled. Either we had private beefs with each other, or we were mad at John, or most of the people in the gym hated one particular member for a while, or whatever. Most of these things just cooled down with a little time, and sometimes they required a blow-up. Those were beautiful years for me and the whole club, but it would be a lie to say it was completely easy and happy at all times.

It’s understandable, because this is just how things are with gyms, teams, coaches, and athletes. You can’t have a program without some occasional drama and turbulence. It’s just not possible. It’s like a relationship. Hell, your experience with your teammates and your coach IS a relationship. In fact, it’s one of the most important relationships you have. And just like your spouse or significant other, there will be rocky moments.

What I want to look at in this article are the causes, solutions, and viewpoints that go along with the idea of getting pissed off at the people in your weightlifting life. Over the last six months or so, I’ve had a handful of lifters who approached me about this. They’ve wanted to talk about the problems they’re having in their own gyms, and they needed somebody to listen and play therapist for a while. I guess they know that I’m a caring nurturer, and I spread warm love to all those who pass by me… Okay, that’s getting carried away. But you get the point. I think it’s important for us to analyze this topic because it’s most likely going to be something you have to deal with at some point, whether you’re a coach or athlete. You might be dealing with it right now, which means this is urgent. So let’s quit wasting time and get right down to it.

A Feisty Little Village…

Think about the types of people you typically see in a weightlifting gym. Actually, I want you to think about the personality traits they often have. Let’s make a short list of some common qualities among lifters:

• Competitive
• Strong-willed
• Emotional (I’ll get back to this one)
• Intense
• Aggressive
• Internally driven
• Selfish (I’ll get back to this one too)
• Enthusiastic
• Hard on themselves

These aren’t hard to find if you hang around weightlifters (or any kind of competitive athletes). Now, think about the term “emotional.” There’s a connotation that goes along with this word, and it typically makes us think of somebody who’s sensitive, cries a lot, gets their feelings hurt easily, etc. All of those are associated with weakness. But being emotional doesn’t mean you’re weak. Big strong meathead guys are often emotional too. They might not cry or curl up in a ball when you yell at them, but their emotions (anger, joy, frustration, etc.) are always pretty close to the surface, and it doesn’t take much to bring them out for display.

Selfishness has a negative connotation too. People think you’re a jerk when you’re selfish, because you don’t care about other people and you’re totally immersed in your own stuff. But being selfish (on some level) is a prerequisite for a weightlifter. You’ve got to be very focused on your goals and your own training if you want to make it to the top as an athlete. So whether it’s right or wrong, you have to be a little selfish to be good at this.

Look back at that list. Now, think about getting a big group of people together who have a lot of those qualities, and then make them all work together in the same place for a long period of time. It should make perfect sense that there will be some occasional difficulties. Jealousy, hot tempers, wanting to be in control of everything, angry outbursts, etc. These things are basic byproducts of the traits on that list. They’re unavoidable, really. You’ve got a collection of willful people sharing the same space. Many of them are young, which means they’re going to be full of piss and vinegar and they’re going to say some stupid things without thinking about them first.

And then there’s the coach, who has to manage all of this. The coach is responsible for developing (and maintaining) the collective attitude of the program. If the mojo in the gym is dysfunctional, the coach has to do something about it. This might involve a sit-down with one or two individuals, or maybe even a big come-to-Jesus meeting with the whole group to lay down the law. In extreme cases, the coach might have to make tough calls and kick somebody out.

This is a rough job, brothers and sisters. It’s also very common for the athletes in the gym to get angry at the coach, for a variety of reasons. They think the coach is paying too much attention to a specific person, showing favoritism, being unfair with criticism, not giving enough effort, being moody, or whatever. What athletes often don’t understand is that coaches are human too. Coaches have their own problems, their own life issues and distractions outside the gym. Those things are often on their minds when they come to the gym, but they have to block them out and assume the role of being in control, being in a good mood, and all the other things that go along with a position of leadership.

Put all that stuff in a pot, turn up the heat, and stir it around for a while. You know what’s going to happen? It’s going to boil. And if it gets hot enough, it might start to boil over the edge of the pot and spill all over the place.

And then you think about leaving…

I can honestly say that I never once thought about leaving the Calpian weightlifting club. Even when things were rough, I always knew I was in the right place. I took a little time away from the gym when I was going through some rough personal things at one point, but I always knew I would come back.

However, it wasn’t like that for everybody. I saw a lot of faces come and go back in those days. Some people walked away because they were just ready to get out of weightlifting. But there were a few others who left because of the kinds of things we’re talking about in this article.

Obviously, this brings us to you. Most of you are probably happy as a clam in your current training environment, which is awesome. But I know for a fact that there are a few of you who are agitated right now, and you might be thinking about taking a big step…leaving your coach and your gym. This is scary as hell, and it’s hard to organize the thoughts and feelings in your head because the whole thing just spins your brain around like it’s in a blender. This is where you’re going to get your money’s worth from your Performance Menu subscription, because I’m going to give you a checklist that can simplify the whole shebang.

If you’re thinking about walking away from your program, there are five basic questions you have to answer.

1. Do you still like training there? This is a simple one. Do you enjoy going to this place? Does it feel good to train there? Is it fun? No need to over-analyze. Just answer it.

2. Do you still like your coach? If you have moments when you’re angry at your coach, do those moments outweigh the positive experience you have with him/her? Which side is the heavier one, if we were to put them on one of those old two-sided balance scales? Is the anger and the frustration the dominant side? Or does the happiness and the good stuff still override it? This might take some time to really determine, but you’ll eventually get a gut feeling that will tell you the truth.

3. Are you having success? This is actually a pretty easy one to look at. How is your training going? Are you lifting well? Are you making progress? Ignore all the other drama crap with this one and make it solely based on performance. How much success are you having?

4. What would your life be like if you walked away? Not just in terms of athletic performance, but all the other parts of your life that are connected to the gym (friendship, emotional attachment, time investment). That stuff matters, believe me. If you walk away, how much of your life are you losing?

5. Do you have a Plan B that would be an improvement if you left? This whole conversation is a dead issue if you don’t have someplace else to go. And if you went to this someplace else, would it be a better situation than the one you’re currently in? Think about it…are your options better than your present arrangement?

These are heavy decisions…

You heard me say earlier that I never left the Calpian gym, even during those times when things were sticky between me, some of my teammates, our coach, etc. That gym was my home from 1993-2004, until I decided to move back to Arizona so I could be closer to my family. And it was the best decision of my life to stay there and ride out the little storms throughout those years.

But there’s another piece of this conversation. Before I moved up to Washington to become a Calpian, I was training for two years in a different gym with a different coach. I ate, slept, and breathed this program for those two years. It was basically my whole life, and the early phase of it was a really fun, successful time. Then, things gradually got extremely problematic with me and my coach. Our relationship went sour, and I left. I made the decision to walk away from that place, and that’s when I joined the Calpians. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.

So I’ve been on both sides of this. As we said in the beginning, the whole thing is a lot like a relationship. Walking away from a gym that’s been your home for a long time is a lot like getting divorced. You lose part of yourself when you do it. I can definitely tell you that getting a divorce isn’t something you want to just charge off and do without thinking about it. The same idea applies to leaving a coach and a team. If you’ve put years of your life into something, the scariest thing in the world is the thought of giving it up.

I guess there are two main thoughts I’ll finish with. First, you have to expect some turbulence during your weightlifting experience with your gym and your coach. It doesn’t matter where you are or who you’re with, it’s just part of the game. So you shouldn’t freak out and run for the hills when you taste some of it. Second, you’ll have to make your own call about what’s the right thing to do if the turbulence gets nasty and lasts for a long time. How do we know when it’s time to move on? I guess it’s when the drama gets bad enough that it’s screwing up your life. None of us got into weightlifting because we want to go to a gym and feel bad every day. If your gym is doing nothing but making you miserable, and it won’t get any better despite your patience and efforts to help… Yeah, maybe that’s the time to start looking around.

But as with everything else, hasty decisions have a high risk of being stupid ones. It’s crazy to think that you can permanently screw up your whole life simply by making two or three snap decisions that didn’t involve intelligence and maturity. It can happen, though. So if there’s a point to any of this, it probably has something to do with backing up and thinking when there’s trouble in paradise. And there will be trouble in paradise, whether you like it or not. This is the life we’ve chosen.