Let me fill you in on a secret. Hidden away in a folder on my laptop is a hit list of sorts. (Don’t worry; it’s not what you think.) Allow me explain. A big part of writing for and editing the Performance Menu is trying to land the best interviews we can find. These are names that come up again and again in reader surveys or on the forums, or people that I feel would be uniquely poised to share a bit of wisdom—be it training pointers or tips on mindset.

They’re not always the most conventional choices; they’re not always lifters or their coaches, but people who have a unique perspective that could be valuable. Often, it’s people who are repeatedly being asked the same scripted questions. I compile their names in a spreadsheet and imagine the days when I’ll get to ask them what I feel are the right ones. The unconventional strategies I’ve used (successfully or not) to try to land these interviews are best shared in person over beer (and off the record), but let’s just say that it’s a slow, long process.

One of the interviews I’ve been chasing unsuccessfully for years is chess prodigy and BJJ black belt Josh Waitzkin. (Andrea Hudy and Jon Trenge are also on the top of my list, in case you know them). I’ve given away about a dozen copies of Waitzkin’s book, the Art of Learning, to people who failed to shine in their shining moment and are reeling from the loss. If you haven’t seen the Versus video, 2ndd place, head on over to YouTube and take a look. I’ll wait. Then come back here when you’re finished. (Here’s the video)

That video represents the mindset I used to have, and that you might have, or maybe a friend or a loved one or an athlete you coach has. “Second place who? Exactly.” Very few people enter a competition or begin training in pursuit of mediocrity, and if you’re reading this, part of you loves the thrill of the chase, the pursuit of excellence, pushing yourself to be the best you can be, and seeing just how far you can go. But focusing solely on the outcome has its own set of drawbacks, whether you get what you want or not. Sure, the happiness from a win feels amazing, but it’s got nothing on long-term satisfaction.

We’ve all heard the adage about focusing on the process rather than just the outcome. It never really hit home for me until I read it in Josh Waitzkin’s book; knowing how much success he’s had in his life gave credibility to this viewpoint. It’s different to hear this advice when it comes from someone who hasn’t really done anything than it does from someone who’s done more than I could ever dream of. Here’s one of my favorite quotes from his book:

“…successful people shoot for the stars, put their hearts on the line in every battle, and ultimately discover the lessons learned from the pursuit of excellence mean much more than the immediate trophies and glory. In the long run, painful losses may prove much more valuable than wins–those who are armed with a healthy attitude and are able to draw wisdom from every experience, ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ are the ones who make it down the road. They are also the ones who are happier along the way. Of course the real challenge is to stay in trance of this long-term perspective when you are under fire and hurting in the middle of the war. This, maybe our biggest hurdle, is at the core of the art of learning.”

What Have You Learned From Your Setbacks?

For the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with an injury that’s kept me off of the mats. I’m sure many of you have been in a similar situation. It’s given me a lot of time to sit and think about what I’m doing after all, whether I’ve come any closer to my training goals after all these years, and what I can learn from a process that’s been as frustrating on bad weeks (and months and years) as it is satisfying on the good ones. It’s also got me thinking about the situations leading up to the writing of my last article, How Coaches Are Failing Our Kids (And What You Can Do To Help).

You and I may never be as successful on paper as those we wish to emulate, but we sure as hell can learn as much from the process. In the spirit of the process-oriented nature of Josh Waitzkin’s book (and since I haven’t landed that interview yet), here’s a little bit of wisdom I’ve picked up along the way.

1. Success is different for everyone.

The typical view of success may be breaking records or winning gold medals, but is that really the only way we can judge the transformative aspects of elite athletics? Sure, someone representing the gym well at an event is commendable, but what about the run-of-the-mill guy who loses 80 pounds and feels good about himself? The gal who’s an assault survivor and uses her sport to learn what it feels like to be in her body?

Nobody can determine what success looks like for anyone else, and some of these transformative moments may be completely unnoticeable to the general public. Movement has the power to completely change the lives of anyone and everyone for the better. Focusing solely on the outcome is a mistake. Even if it doesn’t lead to Tonya Harding-style antics or outright cheating, it often leads to people who happen to be good athletes becoming jerks. There’s already a lot of those. That’s not really making every moment count.

2. You have to teach people how to treat you.

There are a lot of amazing people and a lot of people who suck. This is as true inside the gym as it is outside of it. They will treat you the way that you let them treat you. (And if they treat others a certain way, you may be next). Switching from a sketchy gym environment to a healthy one has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It’s important to focus just as much on which people you surround yourself with or give money to as you do on what food you put in your body and how much sleep you get. It’s equally important.

3. What people think really isn’t that important.

One of my good friends was badly mistreated by an old coach. Because he is a polite professional, I doubt very few will know all the sordid details, but even what I have managed to piece together makes me sick to my stomach. For years, my friend dreamed of that wildly successful moment that would prove his coach and all of his doubters wrong, but that moment never came.

Being unsatisfied until the stars line up perfectly and you’re able to craft the movie scene you’re looking for in retribution is a mistake. Luckily for my friend, he’s managed to realize that finding happiness in a healthy environment and moving on is all the ‘revenge’ he needs.

4. We’re all equals.

One philosophy that’s really stuck with me comes from the Quaker tradition. It’s called the Testimony of Equality. Basically, it states that everyone has at least the same potential access to God. Whether you’re religious or not, you can probably agree that people should have equal access to opportunities despite their race or gender. I’d add age, talent and skill to the mix as well. Putting people on a pedestal or giving them special treatment because of their athletic ability creates all sorts of problems. (Steubenville, anyone?)

Sure, people who are amazing at their craft may have pointers that are worth paying a lot of money for…but they can also be wrong. And the hero cult that sometimes forms around them comes before the fall, whether people realize it right away or not.

5. Freedom of thought is crucial.

This builds on the previous point. Nothing will stymie the evolution of one’s consciousness than taking away their freedom and sovereignty. No matter how good a gym or school or coach is, anyone expecting people to blindly follow directives or have a childlike dependence on them should be avoided. We cannot even truly respect our instructors without freedom of thought as individuals…that is entirely absent when we are so immersed in what they say that we can’t even think for ourselves.

6. There’s more than one way.

Author Clarissa Pinkola Estes points out that people who struggle with addiction “always initially feel that whatever substance it is that they are addicted to is a tremendous savior in one sense or another.” I’ve seen people make horrible decisions due to a false belief that there’s only ONE method to their goal. In the end, going against ones instincts is always destructive. And I’ve seen people imagine all kinds of crazy scenarios that will occur since they didn’t accomplish their goal in the way they expected. Recognizing that there are many ways to skin a cat and myriad options, even if it doesn’t seem like it, can help break the spell.

7. Everything is mental.

“I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason” comedian Bill Murray recently tweeted. I’ve learned that nothing is as bad as what I imagine in my own head, and even what I’d thought of as a worst-case scenario has a glimmer of hope and something that can be learned from it. Training is a marathon, not a sprint

8. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.

When I started grappling, I was the only woman in the gym 90 percent of the time. Eventually there’d be two or three of us, and now I belong to a gym with more women than I’d ever imagined would be training. When I was the token female in a class full of men, I used to train a lot harder when gym visitors were watching from the sidelines, thinking that they’d be judging ALL women in the sport by my specific actions in one class. I can’t even imagine thinking like this anymore. It’s so much more relaxing to train for myself, rather than my perception of the thoughts of others. Taking on their view of ALL women in an entire sport is a lot of responsibility I’m happy to let go of.

9. You don’t have to be ’tough’ either.

Most people who have to take weeks or months off due to injury will have someone they respect suggest that they train anyway. A lot of people who have done just that—ignored the advice of their doctors, skip exercises or sneak in prohibited workouts. As someone who’s been on both sides of the fence, I’ve switched views on this completely. There’s no virtue in being stubborn, and you may very well regret that injury that never quite healed right. No matter how badass you think you are, sometimes it’s best to just chill for a while so you can reap the benefits better.

10. Overtraining is mental.

If you’re getting irate at every single thing a coach or training partner does, leaving the gym really pissed off every day or crying constantly, you’re probably overtraining (even if you’re physically recovering) or need to switch gyms. The best thing I ever did for myself was cut back my training to fewer days per week and work in a week off every now and again. If someone tells you that you’re constantly whining, or if you’re ready to hit me for even suggesting taking time off, chances are good that you could stand to do the same.

11. Humility is crucial.

We all know people who try to coach people who’ve been training five times as long as them, or the ones who won’t listen to advice. Or people who make excuses for their own mistakes, instead of trying to improve. Or people who just can’t handle a loss and never learn from it. (One example comes to mind--I beat a kid in an in-house tournament once, and he quit the gym.) Most people have an ongoing struggle with this. Letting go of ego is an ongoing process, but is never a waste of time. You can’t learn from your process unless you’re open to it.

12. Look at yourself.

It can be cathartic to describe all the mistakes people make and the many things that they do which annoy you, or what could’ve happened differently with changing circumstances… but looking at what YOU do and how YOU can change is where the real learning lies.

Your Turn

What have you learned from YOUR setbacks?