The other day, I was walking through a Sports Authority, looking for their prices on mixed martial arts shirts, size small (they don’t have enough glitter on theirs, by the way). As I almost walked into a poll staring at the mannequins wearing spandex (not my fault, since when did mannequins start getting made with nipples?) I realized I was right next to the kids clothing section. I paused momentarily to watch a couple hotties bending over trying on shoes and then became momentarily distracted by t-shirts obstructing my view. They all had all kinds of awesomely tough-sounding motivational phrases on them. It was the slogans that caught my eye, as well as the thought that I might be able to squeeze into the kids size medium to show off my pipes. Back in the day, shirts had sayings like, “Keep on Truckin’” and “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” and other crap like that. These kids’ shirts, on the other hand, said things like “I feel YOUR pain!” “Dare to take ME on?” and “If you see ME, get used to second place!”

After I left the store and started driving to the tanning salon, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Why didn’t they make those same shirts for adults? What a rip off! I mean, all of those shirts were designed to sound cocky, arrogant, self-involved, i.e.: totally awesome! The store had tons of racks, so why just sell them to kids? Sure, they need to start early, but why leave total gamers like myself out? I mean, here we are living in a culture where parents finally have enough sense to dress their kids to reflect how awesome at sports they are supposed to be. The more time I spent contemplating this, the more I realized just how much of a connection there is with much of the behavior we see in the best athletes and most popular celebrities. The NBA is a pretty good place to start because the big names make crazy money and get to take home a Kardashian. Listen, your kids are probably going to stink at sports and life in general because they are raised to think it is bad to play for yourself. But guess what? Your entire high school basketball team isn’t making the NBA. If you are good and you know it, you gotta get out there. I mean, do you want to be representing like LeBron, or watching Kevin Love on ESPN talking about he hopes the Timberwolves win 20 games next year? Do you really have to think about that one?

It all seems so obvious. Children are enrolled in sports by their parents. Then, their parents go and get them the shirts I saw at Sports Authority so they can live up to their expectations. After that, kids join sports and the ones that had the most opportunities make it to the professional level, where they are finally able to hold crazy Las Vegas style ragers. Their total conviction and awesomeness have proven that they are better than everyone else. This is the best way for them to show how much better they are than some slob watching on TV or shelling out big dollars on your replica jersey. And since you’re all kinda sad and needy, let me break this down for you some more.

If you coach kids, own a gym or are a parent, it’s your responsibility to make your kids into winners. You are the authority figure, the person in charge. This mean you are responsible for teaching and yelling at people around you. Are you doing your job? Or are you potentially teaching losers? I’m going to tell you how it really is, so you won’t act like a bunch of whiny losers when it comes to training, tanning salon selection and snatch techniques (giggity!)

Old Lazy vs. New Awesome

Sports culture has changed dramatically in the last, I don’t know, ten years, ever since people started competing in organized sports at the level of real men in the early 2000s. Back then, people were much more boisterous and in-your-face than those pansies that didn’t get paid enough to be year-round awesome. Just watch some old school football with leather helmets, or baseball without helmets. Okay, fine, those athletes used to be drunk and fat. They didn’t celebrate much because they weren’t creative and probably would have thrown up. Sure, you occasionally got some brilliance like the Icky Shuffle, but that’s about it.

This whole attitude was what I refer to as “old school lazy.” It’s when athletes would drink and smoke on the sidelines and couldn’t come up with anything interesting to say. If they won, they probably just went out to drink more and bang some hookers. If they lost, they probably just went out to drink more and bang some hookers. They didn’t celebrate their wins or even stand up against bad calls, because early athletes were not awesome.

Lazy, old school athletes did do a bit of trash talking, but it was probably about coal mining or Communism. Many of them were too busy eating and drinking to care about trash talking. They were just that much better than everyone, even when they tied one on. Even if modern technology would have been present back in the 1900s, or whenever Larry Bird played, I doubt he was awesome enough to brag that he was going to be a 3-time NBA champion. Though, I will say that he was retro-awesome when he was rocking that badass mustache.

Fast forward to the present, and we’ve got “new school awesome,” where athletes know they are better and tell everyone that will listen so no one ever forgets. The key is to ridicule and insult the competition to they know that even amongst the pros, there is an elite class. Just watch TV or listen to sports radio, and you’ll see college cheerleading competitions; which are awesome, but could be better if they stopped letting dudes compete. I was just watching some UFC re-runs where Brock Lesnar beat Frank Mir to a bloody pulp, then ran up and yelled at him some more, then he bad-mouthed the sponsors. That man knows he is awesome and will tell everyone that will listen, win or lose.

When did everything change? When did we go from old school lazy to new school awesome? I think it’s all because of Muhammad Ali. His mind games, ability to get inside the heads of his opponents and self-promotion were done at a level that had never been seen in sports before. He is solely responsible for much of the new school awesome. I mean, I’m not trying to kiss his ass, here. I just think that it is right to give credit to a man that knew how to play the game and knew how to play the game.

So, we have some big differences here. Based on how I’ve laid this down for you, you can probably guess that I’m a pretty awesome guy and am all about new school awesome and I require my athletes to be the same way. I reject the old school lazy as being, well, lazy. Got it? Hopefully I made that clear enough because I’m not repeating myself; that’s something losers have to do. But I want to leave you with a question, and some sure-fire tips to make sure you’re not contributing to an entire generation of boring losers: What kind of person are you? How do you represent yourself in your coaching, and by proxy, the club scene? You have to remember that your personality seeps into your athletes, trickling down to your kids, friends who worship how awesome you are, etc. You have to take responsibility for this-- people around you will often act the way that you do. So don’t be a wuss, chicks hate that. Unless you like lotion at 10pm on Friday nights.

Being awesome is very important to both coaches and athletes. You have to be confident to be successful, just like in the club. You have to see your training and performance as the most important thing ever, besides your fashion sense. This is especially true for elite athletes, who are usually better than the rest of us. Hopefully, none of that changes after retirement since it would show they were just posers. Most elite athletes go through a lot of women and sometimes that slows down in the transition to normal life. Poor guys.

The best parts about being awesome that I’m describing here is the point where being awesome translates into all your dreams coming true. It’s all well and good to be completely wrapped up in athletic priorities and hair, but we need to make sure that we don’t start doing weird things like sharing, or being civil and selfless. S***, I’ll spell this out for you. Here’s four things you can do to stay awesome:

1. Stop showing interest in other players or people. This is easy, right? Ignore them. You will absolutely never get burned if you never open up your emotions to another person. If a teammate sucks, tell them. If you coddle them, they will stay crappy. And it works for women, too. How many times have you seen some smuck try really hard to get a girl’s attention, just to have her go for the guy that ignores her and treats her like crap? This is, like, 99.9% guaranteed stuff and takes no effort at all.

2. Talk about yourself all the time, even if other people tell you to stop. How else will they know how awesome you are if you don’t tell them everything you’ve done and make them choke on your success? If you are a stud (and you know you are), people will need to be constantly reminded of it so they don’t forget. You need to wear your gold medals in public. Seriously. It looks awesome. Michael Phelps should be at the club showing off all his bling.

3. Make sure to constantly coach people, especially if they don’t ask for it. When you are at the gym flexing in the mirror, and you see someone doing something different than you would… make sure to tell them! If the person has a coach who is working with them, that coach must suck. Make it your business. Now, if the person doesn’t have a coach and they are doing something wrong, just tell them, “Dude, you suck at this, let me show you how it’s done.” Then load up the weights and make them look stupid and weak. If you waited for people to ask you questions, no one would ever talk to you. Take the initiative because no one is as cool as you and that can be intimidating.

4. Get on ALL the forums and talk some *** for the love of God! I know you all agree. Listen, the Internet is the greatest source of trash talking and pornography in the history for the world for people who don’t feel the need to leave the house (thank you, P90X!). But even if though you’re right and everyone else is wrong, it is still important to get out there and make them look stupid. Go do it, stupid!

Quick confession- Just so nobody calls me a douche or thinks I live at home with my parents, I’ll openly admit that I have never violated anyone without their consent. Respect.

In A Nutshell…

So many mistakes that come with the new school attitude are connected with stupid, weak kids. Kids just don’t listen to the parents that have already lost and been humiliated. Why do you think we press you so hard? If we don’t, you will be a loser. It doesn’t have to be a part of growing up. And you coaches need to remember this, because most kids literally suck at sports and shouldn’t get as much playing time as the kids that can actually throw, shoot or hit. Maybe nobody ever told them that some people just shouldn’t be allowed to play sports. Remember, some of the kids you work with have been raised by pansies that think every kid should get a trophy, even when they lose. You need to show them how tough the world can be.

If you just got back from Sports Authority and you’re pumped to give little ten year-told Trevor a shirt you just bought him that says, “I hate you and I hate your ass face because I am #1” so he can wear it to a youth wrestling tournament (because who cares if someone gets pinned in practice), then you and I need to hang out, because you are awesome. Think about it: what if Trevor shows up to the tournament with his badass new shirt and pins some tough little kid in, like, 10 seconds? At that point we can safely say that Trevor should that other kid’s participation trophies because his shirt warned of how tough he was, but the other kid didn’t listen. You want to help? Teach your kids to read the warning signs on other kids’ shirts.

I’m not telling you that you can definitely be awesome. You probably can’t. I’m not saying you that you will be able to get the ladies or score the points and I’m certainly not telling you that you can have a great personality. We are in the Age of Information, so we need to get out there and plaster our pics on the Internet. Roll like a Senator! If you don’t get what you want, complain about it. If you don’t fight to get your way, no one is going to hand it to you. Insulting your competitors is the only way to put them in line. The shift we’ve seen towards new awesome is a welcome change. Make your athletes stand up and act better than everyone else and maybe, we’ll all have a better chance at living vicariously through them. It’s possible that because your kids’ coaches are losers, your kids will be losers, too, no matter how awesome the clothes you make them wear are. But the clothing is worth a shot. Just do it!