Pep talks and positive adages aside, losing sucks. There’s no two ways about it. When all eyes are on you and you don’t shine in that shining moment, aphorisms about “how you play the game” don’t cut it.

Losing’s also a part of competition and life. So how do you take as much as you can from an otherwise difficult situation and use it to become a better athlete or even a better person? And how do you help a friend, teammate or someone you’re coaching bounce back?

After many losses of my own this year, and watching many people I care about go through the same experience, I was stumped on that one, so I consulted the professionals.

I spoke with sports psychologist Dr. Kate Hays of The Performing Edge in Toronto. She works with a wide range of clients, ranging from amateur athletes all the way through Olympians and professionals, in a wide variety of sports. I also spoke with Brady Greco of Above and Beyond Consulting. He works with elite athletes, primarily hockey players including high school freshmen all the way through the professional level. Greco played three years of D-1 hockey at Colorado College, and also played professionally for the Tampa Bay Lightning.

Whether you’re struggling with your own mental frustration after a loss, trying to find perspective before or after the big game (or meet), or looking for ways to support friends, teammates or athletes you coach, here are some strategies to consider.

1. Before D-Day: Setting Multiple Goals

Dr. Kate Hays believes that setting several goals is important in going into a competition. “One goal might be winning/losing, but there are other types of goals that you can have for a particular competition. Another piece might be how well you stay with form, which might be very good even if you didn’t win that particular competition. Another might be mental focus; how well you were able to stay focused and in the present rather than drifting off to some other thoughts,” Hays explained.

The purpose of setting different goals before a competition allows you to review a variety of aspects of your performance after the fact, so that you can measure multiple performance indicators rather than just looking at things as black and white.

2. To Watch Or Not To Watch

Although it’s useful to review your performance at a meet or game or competition, Dr. Hays points out that the timing of evaluating your performance is crucial.

“I find very often that people try to do that kind of evaluation right after the event, and that’s probably the worst time of all because there’s so much emotion from having done the event that you’re not going to be in your right mind; you’re not going to be able to be logical about it, so you’re not going to learn anything from that review,” Dr. Hays says. This is particularly true following a loss, where athletes may be beating themselves up for what they feel was a poor performance

If you want to learn from a loss as much as you do from an experience where you did well, gaining some distance can allow you to review what you did well and what you could do differently the next time with fresh eyes. The timing of this varies from person to person. “For some people, that’s a couple of hours later, but for some people that’s not until the next day. Each person needs to figure out what’s best for them,” she explained.

What about when you end up on the wrong side of someone else’s highlight reel, or there’s video footage that’s particularly painful to replay? Dr. Hays offers a practical solution. “[I’d] encourage them to turn it off,” she says. “You don’t need to watch it over and over again. You don’t need to open that wound again. It’s 15 seconds that’s going to pass as soon as somebody else does something else.”

3. Supporting a Friend or Teammate

Trying to support someone you care about who just suffered a loss can be an awkward situation. “Very often if somebody’s upset there isn’t any right thing you can say,” Dr. Hays said. “On the other hand its much more important to say something to somebody than not to say anything at all” because you are worried about possibly saying the wrong thing, she added.

One approach that works for her is a 1-2 approach of first providing empathy and really recognizing what they are feeling, and then following that up with a bit of perspective, reminding your friend or teammate that they have another competition the following week, or pointing out something which they did do well.

“If [all you do is wallow with them, then they don’t feel any better. But if all you do is provide this cheery ‘whatever,’ then they’re going to say, ‘No, no, you don’t understand,’ so that’s why I like doing both pieces in that sequence,” Hays said. Obviously coaches who do not get caught up in a one-size-fits-all approach would have a better sense over what individual athletes would respond best to.

Sometimes all someone needs is a sympathetic ear. “Sometimes its just a matter of being there for somebody and listening to what they have to say and letting them talk it through it to a friend or teammate,” Dr. Hays said. “Just pay attention to what they’re experiencing.”

4. Finding Perspective

In her work at the Performing Edge in Toronto, Dr. Hays helps athletes break out of self-limiting patterns and gain some perspective, helping athletes recognize that “their performance in that particular moment is not the full definition of them; there are other aspects of them that are also really important and can be valued.” It’s easy to forgot in the heat of the moment, but there are a whole lot more elements and aspects of your life than just your sport.

5. Gaining An Edge

Brady Greco, who primarily works with hockey players, points out that losses can be useful in a team setting. Using hockey as an example, he points out that very few teams are undefeated in a season. “I think it’s important from a team aspect that you lose, because that will help continue to motivate your team, whether it be in practice or the following game, to understand what they need to do in practice to improve both individually and from a team point of view as well.”

Since good teams can get complacent, losing is a trip back to the drawing board which compels them to go back to the drawing board to practice and implement skills in the next game. This allows both individual players and teams to reach their full potential.

6. Gleaning Life Lessons

“I think your character really shines when you lose,” Greco said. “It’s not fun to lose, but you can take a lot from it depending on how you lose or what you actually when you do lose what specifically you take away from it. There could be life lessons learned, there could be character learning lessons, personally and as a team.”

7. Games are Supposed to Be Fun

Greco believes losing in a team sport may be even more difficult than an individual loss because you may feel like you disappointed and let down a whole team and coaching staff.

“You always want to look to the positives in a loss,” Greco said. “It’s not the end of the world, obviously, even at the professional level. You play the game to have fun.” An athlete no longer enjoying their sport will see a decline in their performance. “It’s crucial for anyone to get over a mental barrier or get over a loss to go back to putting it in perspective and look at the big picture of things, of ‘I started this game because I love the game and I want to have fun.’ Once you stop having fun, that’s when you see your sports performance decline, so it’s important that if you do lose and you are mentally beating yourself up for that loss, that you take something positive from that loss and understand that this is a game and games are supposed to be fun.”

So there you have it. Suck all the learning out of your losses that you can, and then get back on the field and have some fun.